Dear Secret Service Person

Dear KGB/Stasi/StB/whatever agency person,

I just wanted to say that if you still think me or my family pose a threat to any system or regime and you feel the need to record information about me, or follow any of my family members, tough shit, we got nothing. We're useless to you.

Ok, by now I crossed over to weirdoland (I've actually heard now Pod say 'Oh, no, you were born in weirdoland! You are weirdoland's president!'), so let me explain.

I watched Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen) and it got me thinking...duh. As some of you may know, I grew up in a Communist country. No, not Italy, you pseudo-commies! :) Czechoslovakia. Which still wasn't spying on its people on the same scale as East Germany (well, they did a trial run and it worked for them, who knew?), but nevertheless, you knew when you're outside the 'circle of trust'. My family, along with other Jews, knew that since 1952-the Slansky trial ( fantastically documented by the 1970 Costa Gavras movie L'Aveu- and yes, yes, we love Yves Montand! ), Jews were largely out of the circle of trust, unless they wanted to be part of a congregation, in which case they had to collaborate with the Party and the minimum sign a piece of paper, or actually asked to be spies.

As the archives opened after 1989, there was a rush to see who was with, who was against, who is who. Surely enough, my step grandpa's name was on the list, but according to my Dad, he had to sign something, otherwise they wouldn't let him out of a GULAG. I say, sure, what the hell, after being a miner for 12 years in Siberia I'd also sign anything.

The archives have been put on the internet. You can see a scanned page with names and dates of birth and a 'status'. My dad is listed as a 'suspicious person', code name GOLD. in english. Gold? Ok, my dad does have a fairly big nose, but he is not that hairy and has blue eyes. Still, can we be stereotypical and faithful Communists? yes! Ok, then, let's go for it!

After watching Lives of Others, a friend of mine asked me if I have a file with the StB, which was the Czechoslovak equivalent of the Stasi or the KGB. I said no, but then I thought about it and went back to the online archive. No, I don't. Children were not a liability to the system, unless you lived in East Germany, where kids in kindergartens were trained how to spy (suddenly Spy Kids gets a whole new meaning...)
The same friend then said that I might not have a file in any of the former Eastern bloc contry, but having the passports that I do, speaking the languages that I do, and having worked in human rights issues that I did, he bets his English arse that I probably have a file with the CIA, the Shin Bet and who knows who else.

Bottom line: I don't care. As I said. I got nothing. I'm only suspicious to ignorant xenophobes or to people who never left their own country/village. Does my cosmopolitan identity (note: this a term I chose over equal opportunities slut and a global alcoholic) make me suspicious? Nope. So, one message: please get over yourselves. The rest of the world is not interested in secret stuff. Unless all of you look like James Bond and act like James Bond. No? Didn't think so. Ok then, leave us alone, go, play some secret games, without bothering ordinary people!